Primeval Season 3: What The Hell Happened? – Updated
Part The First
In which eager young(looking) Mikey sits down for episode two of Primeval Season 3, hoping for a good TV experience….
But it was sadly not to be. Sorry but I gotta say this – on the strength of the 1st couple of episodes, Primeval S3 is an unmitigated load of rancid donkey balls. I`m gonna go into this in more detail later, but even a cursory watching of episode 2 would reveal that quality control has gone into the toilet. Episode 2 is a haunted house/gremlin story, but it is also what’s known as an Idiot Plot: in an idiot plot the characters are required to behave like idiots in order for the plot to work. So, go into the possible-anomaly-concealing house, er, without backup or even weapons drawn…then have your characters do it again later, only by themselves. Yeah, in defiance of the hoariest cliche in the Big Bumper Book of Onscreen Melodramatic Cliches, have your characters wander into the House of Death Filled With Possible Anomaly Monsters, unarmoured, unarmed etc etc.
Not to mention the utterly pointless little-girl-in-a-red-coat subplot, and Cutter’s gleaming new Anomaly-Analysis Meccano Set (which apparently is more useful that modelling the data in a computer – yeah, uh huh), and the re-costuming of Abby along wacky-slacker Tank Grrl lines, and the inability to realise that slapstick is not wit or even humour, or….
I’ll go into the idiocies of season 3 in more detail later, but suffice to say that the writer of this mound of flabby pap, one James Moran, really needs to get back to script-writing school and revise the modules entitled ‘Drama Without Cliche’ and ‘Story Arc 101′. Seriously.
Part The Second
In which we delve deeper into the dank and dismal realities of scripts which, instead of being torched in a heap at the side of the road, get turned into primetime TV.
I should have seen it coming in Episode 1 when the script had Connor and Abby building a wall of crates and boxes around the suncage artefact to stop the pristichampsus coming thru the anomaly. Despite the fact that when the crate wall was partly built a pristi came through and knocked crates flying. But nevertheless, Connor and Abby dutifully build the now-seen-to-be-useless wall up around the artefact. Oh yeah, and there’s chuckles aplenty as, whoops, Connor smashes some priceless ancient Egyptian pieces to smithereens, to which the new wummin, Sarah Page (why has she been added to the team, exactly?) seems to go tut tut and rolls her eyes a bit even though egyptology appears to be her field.
And there also that feeling that Connor and Abby have been chosen as Designated Slapstick Barrel o Laffs makers, which must be why their outfits look like Barnum and Bailey clown castoffs.
Interesting that episode one had that strange hint of dastartdly goings-on by some other demonic civil servant further up the foodchain from James Lester. And then that weird artefact retreival on a outcrop with houses in a devastated, apocalyptic landscape. Yeah, that was interesting and clearly meant to be The Story Arc. Which, when we get to episode two, appears to have vanished. Except that we get Nasty Helen clearly up to no good, sending one of her identikit goons into the ARC to get something of Cutter’s (enabled by NH pickpocketing the entry key from the gormless Sarah Page – I mean, its what you do, innit, get invited to join a top secret government department then be so clueless as to have your key to the place sitting in an easily nabbable pocket)(and of course, it helps that the guards at the front door seem to be using 70s tech, or something that doesnt do a visual match with whoever used a key to gain entrance to a Top Secret Establishment).
Thing about Helen…they seem to be turning her into a pantomime villain, complete with shiny black leathers and shades. All she needs to be complete is a waxed moustached for her to tease in her fingers while she goes ‘Bwah hah hah hah!’ And then, finally, she nips into Cutter’s gaff and nicks some hairs off his pillow. At this point, I’ m getting a weird feeling of anxiety which SuperSusan, my partner in rhyme, brings to fruition by saying, `Oh, she’s going to clone him’. To which I later thought, pshaw, surely not, I mean, thats so freaking obvious, so overmelodramatically dumb, so plonkingly, stumblingly uncreative – they’d never….
But LO! for it came to pass that I did pass my gaze over the wikipedia page of Primeval episodes and there it was for all to see – “She has cloned her ex-husband, and the clone attempts to force the information from Cutter at gun-point.”
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